The other day I got my vaccine and a couple of things happened I was not expecting.
As I drove to get the vaccine, I unexpectedly teared up with gratitude. The relief of getting the vaccine was like when I have learned my scans are NED. There was a burden lifted off my shoulders and I felt lighter.
Could there be side effects and do we know long term effects of the vaccine? Yes and no. Yet the same was true when I went for treatment for cancer yet it was the wisest step for me towards healing.
And although Covid isn’t cancer and cancer isn’t Covid, the vaccine, like treatment, for me is a stepping stone towards healing; to help us move forward and keep the most vulnerable more protected.
Now I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t thankful for the layer of protection it offers me and my family too.
Yet the pressure I have felt on my shoulders to be sure to keep others well has been heavy. And I didn’t realize how heavy that weight was until I received the vaccine.
Why did it feel heavy?
I’ve been the small percentage who have been diagnosed and end up in the hospital unsure of the outcome. I get the unknown, the fear, the wait...
and it’s not something I want another soul to experience.
I know I don’t have complete control over keeping others well, yet to me this vaccine is a step that I can take to help keep others from having that type of experience.
When I got the vaccine, I sat there pausing, breathing, praying, and I unexpectedly ended up with a tingly tongue.
Was it the vaccine? Nerves? I don’t know, my gut is that it was my nerves. I’ve been learning over the past number of years, although my thoughts can be calm it turns out my body holds the tension of my subconscious for me.
After the fifteen minute wait was up and the staff asked me how I was, to be safe I told them my tongue was tingly and that it was probably just my nerves. They took my blood pressure and it was sky high. Eventually it went back down and the tingling went away.
As I drove away, partially embarrassed that I said anything, I was reflecting on how my body holds so much tension I am unaware of. For a couple of years now a number of my doctors have said to me that my body is in the fight response.
But what am I fighting?
As I was driving it all came to a head when a song came on and I became a blubbering mess.
“I will let the weight of my fear fall like sand, out of my hands and into Yours” (Jeremy Camp)
Fear.
I have been fighting against fear for years.
From fear of the cancer coming back, the ball dropping around the next corner and being back in the unknown in some way, to the fear of someone getting covid and passing. I subconsciously live in fear. And I guess that day, when I peel the layers back, I was afraid that I would get a reaction to the vaccine.
So I had a good ugly cry as I drove. I turned up the song and sang my heart out through the tears and it felt so good. I cried and prayed asking God to take away the fear, “out of my hands and into yours” and to help me, once again, trust Him, no matter what comes. I prayed for my trust and rest in Him to grow bigger than my fear of the unknown.
I share this with you because I know there is a someone else too who deals with anxiety and/or fear and feels like they are the only one. There are so many of us who wrestle with these. I hope you are comforted in knowing you are not alone. I hope you will join me to...
pause. breathe. pray.
May we take our anxiety and fears and ask God to let them “fall like sand out of our hands and into His.” May our trust in God grow bigger than our fears so we can release them and have rest for our souls.
With love and hope,
Shawn
